Thirty And a Day
Well, 2 days actually… But I’m still awake from yesterday, So I’m counting it as one. Turning 30 was about as uninteresting as the 29 years that proceeded it. I got drunk and watched the movie Vacancy on demand.. Well, Half of it. Then I lost interest.
I’ve been up for 27 hours now, and am feeling completely retarded. But I’m hoping I can get back on a normal sleep schedule tonight. I will however totally miss the late night infomercials… And I swear to christ if I were rich I’d buy all that useless crap. I really want a Magic Bullet. And I love how they invite all these silly stereotype douchebags over for a bullet party.. A few random normal people, and the stars of the ensemble cast, The old hungover drunk (Berman?), and ex MTV DJ Kennedy as Hazel equipped with super long cigarette ash.. I’m sold.
I also enjoy the faith healing due to the “Free Miracle Spring Water”. Basically it’s a small tube of spring water that looks like the tiny lube samples you can get near the register of any reputable sex shop. Except it’s not for anal, it’s for curing cancer and getting rich. A Google search of “holy water infomercial” came back with This Wikipedia Page. I think that’s the guy.
Another fun one is that little partitioned Foreman grill knockoff that you can turn any food into a compressed, triangular, wad of cooked food in a matter of minutes. It’s got an old redhead grandma making everything from triangular steak to pyramidal strawberry shortcake. All in under 9 minutes. Fan-Fucking-Tastic!!
I’ve been hooked on infomercials for years, and these fuckers really can’t hold a candle to the infomercials of years past.
Infomercials such as…
Which blocks the suns harmful rays while simultaneously turning a crowded beach into Tron.
And, of course, the all time greatest train wreck infomercial ever..
Truly amazing… If anyone has a full copy of it or any of the other Santo TV appearances, please contact me… I will pay.