Guess who sucks at everything.
That’s right… I do!
I quit a job awhile ago, because I had been there for 6 years, and I totally fucking hated it. I really didn’t have much of a plan… I figured I could play poker and do some freelance computer work… Well… bills, tilt, and laziness have pretty much made my inadequate bankroll disappear. Honestly, the bankroll was way too small to try to live on. But I dropped it quickly. So I decided to stop playing. Cold turkey.. I haven’t played cards in well over a month. And that’s a pretty big feat for me, considering I used to play almost every day. Looking back on it… The only thing I liked about it was winning. Well.. Winning, and the money… Everything else related to poker sucked. The people are all douchebags. And I feel like I can safely say that.. Not that I’ve played with everyone. But I’m really amazing at generalizing. So I’m pretty sure I’m dead on when I say Everyone, at every poker table I’ve ever played at, is a dickbag. Quote that. And they mostly fit into a few categories..
- The Sports guy… This guy is in heaven because every fucking flat screen in every poker room has “the game” on in some form or another. So he can talk about that catch, or how the Mets are going to kick ass next season because… Whatever dude. I don’t fucking care. Luckily for you there’s at least 5 other fucks at the table that really have an opinion about whatever crap is on ESPN at the moment. So you guys can chat it up. Because that’s not completely fucking annoying… 7 hours of sports talk, while I can’t catch a pocket pair or hit a fucking 15 outer to save my life. Awesome.
- Angry Foreigner… I love the angry foreigner. Why? Because he hates my fucking guts.. I can totally respect that. I too find him to be a worthless piece of shit. I enjoy his silly bluffs and maniac style of play.. Especially when he ends up hitting some miracle card to beat me out of a huge pot. You see that’s when It’s his time to shine. He’ll boast, and puff his chest out while saying some broken english taunts.. Or something… Fuck, he could be reciting a grocery list.. Who knows what this marble mouth is saying. Either way, I hate that guy.
- Smelly old man… The smelly old man doesn’t necessarily have to be old, or even a man.. But he usually is. There’s only ever one or two of these at a table, and they are ALWAYS placed on my direct right and left. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and they’ll be Smelly, Angry, Foreign, and Sports Fans… That’s like hitting the Douchebag Superfecta. Seriously, there’s nothing like smelling that old breath, as he rambles something incoherent about Barry Bonds.. Absolutely perfect. Oh, and try this… Offer the table some gum or mints.. Guess who doesn’t want any.. Even when you ask them a few times.. Like “Are you sure? They’re REALLY good.” Old man gamble doesn’t take hints.. So hold your breath, and hope he slips and breaks a hip.
- College guy… College guy and Sports guy are almost interchangeable, except college guy is drunker, and has more stupid friends with him. Somehow his idiot friends always get sat at the same table with him, and they tend to order 2 to 3 drinks at a time. And those drinks are always “SOMETHING and Red Bull”. They also always wear baseball hats and Abercrombie at a ratio of 2:3. Coincidence? I dunno.. Poker is mostly a percentage game, so you do the math.
- Well Dressed Man About Town… I don’t understand this guy. He can fall into the other categories as well. But for whatever reason he decided to get really dressed up for this game of $1/$2 to show you what a baller he is. I really don’t get it.
- The Hot Girl… The hot girl is an antagonist.. She sits down, and seemingly normal men turn into retards. It’s always interesting to see these guys fall all over this girl. But what they don’t realize is that.. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. The hot girl always has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend is at another table.. Most likely a MUCH higher limit table than you are at. And yet every guy at the table turns up the charm to woo this young lady. This is always really fun to watch. Especially when you consider half of these dudes are borderline bridge trolls. I really like when the geriatric team decides to spit game at this girl. That’s my favorite.
This list doesn’t encompass everyone of course… there’s grandmas, construction workers, thugs, and many more… I’m just totally sick of writing this, and thinking about poker personalities is as terrible as dealing with them. I’m on poker break until the circuit events in December. And it feels great.